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When you struggle with depression doing simple task’s like getting out of bed in the morning, nourishing your body with healthy foods and keeping your room clean can be some of the most difficult things to accomplish.

Once I started paying more attention to myself I noticed a pattern that despite how hard I tried and how much I gave myself talks it would still happen – I am currently here.

About two weeks ago I cleaned and organized my room and was very proud and excited about my new set up. I put my desk and crafting area to a corner of my room where natural light fills it up, my bed on the opposite side, my bookshelf and vision board in a nook and my dresser only had the essentials on it.

I have dealt with depression since my early teens, but my family just shucked off my behavior as being a messy and unorganized person. I have also been on the extreme opposite: OCD (obssesive compulsive disorder) my closet HAD to be color coded, my shoes touching a certain way, even my nail polish had to be at a certain angle or I would just lose it. Oh yeah, OCD has been part of my since grade school. But we’ll talk about that another time.

The thing about my episodes is that they just creep up on me. It’s not like I decided to throw all my clothes on the floor or let stuff pile up on my dresser… It’s like I took my shoes off next to my bed one afternoon and the next day my room looks like a tornado went through it. I have been extra mindful of myself and sorta caught it happening, but next thing I knew I could barely get across my room without stumbling. I am deeply terrified of sharing this side of me with people even though I used to speak openly about my struggles on Tumblr and now here I am once again sharing it with the world online. I know part of my purpose in life is to help people and create a space where they can open up and do the healing they need, but if I keep bottling these things up or hoarding my thoughts I’ll never accomplish it the way I know it’s meant to be. Even if I never talk to anyone directly, perhaps by reading about my journey you can know that you are not alone and it’s okay to seek help and that it doesn’t make you weak or less of the person that you are.

The point that I am trying to make by writing this, is that your external environment reflects deeply your internal workings. Pay attention to your habits, pay extra attention to your spaces, are they cluttered, are they dirty, broken? Are you eating foods that you know that don’t serve your body or are you simply not eating? Are you not showering? Are you partaking in reckless behavior like smoking, speeding when you drive, constantly thinking about what can you do to get out of the moment? Are you lashing out, always angry or easily aggravated?

If any of this resonates with you, I am going to give you the same advice my therapist gave me: keep a small notebook with you and annotate your emotions through out the day. How did you sleep/wake up? At what times do you usually feel sad or angry?Whenever you feel a spike write it down. Do this for a minimum of 10 days and my little pearl for you because it has helped me, write down a loving thought before you go to bed or maybe write down an accomplishment.

 

Love & Light,

-E

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