I follow various instagram accounts and when I used Facebook a couple Badass Women making their rise in their own business endeavours (was even a client of one) and have learned so much. I’ve seen so many people skyrocket doing what they love simply because they believed in themselves and weren’t afraid of doing so.
I’ve been stuck in the back and forward – I’ve made jewelry, bags and other things because it helps quiet my mind and selling it is just a bonus. I’ve started playing around with making more recipes and actually writing them down to share with people and I’ve even posted glimpses of both online. I’ve made countless plans and topics for ig post, blog entries, spoken one on one with people who genuinely want to know more about taking care of themselves mentally and physically and even recorded extremely low quality impromptu Vlogs… but how come half way through I choke !? It’s funny how all of my personal growth has been while I’ve been going through a really bad separation and at times even belive that that little thorn is her voice saying that I’m only good for fucking things up.
How is it possible that the same human being who let me love so purely, also be so toxic to my entire being? And WHY am I still allowing this after many months of self-study and exploration and growth!? Sometimes I feel like I need to grab a tent and stay in the rainforest completely alone with just my thoughts and see what happens…
For the past couple of months I’ve been dabbling into getting back on a regular reading routine, but always seem to jump chapters that deal with pain, relationships and tender personal subjects. About a month ago or so, I began reading Taking the leap by Pema Chödron and yesterday the chapter was titled The habit of escape and on the last paragraph was “the only way to ease our pain is to experience it fully” and it hit me that the only thing that I have been actively avoiding is failure and her, what her actions have cause me to feel and keep in mid that you only feel and react to someone/thing if you ALLOW it to have power over you, which I have. After yesterday, I am even more determined to shake her, to shake this fear of not being good enough and give this a second chance.
If you are in an unsafe household or situation, please don’t hesitate to get out or seek help. Try to recognize the signs of any type of abuse, this one in particular; as an insider, physiological abuse is the hardest to acknowledge.